The 7th, Lymphoma??? and cupcakes

I feel sick right now. I probably shouldn't be blogging while I am down but the kids are finally asleep and I feel like typing. I don't know what I blogged last. We went to Loma Linda and the dr has decided that since Lincoln's lymph nodes have gotten bigger and have now spread into him underarms and groin area that it is time to biopsy and check for lymphoma. The biopsy will be on the 7th. I want to throw up, cry, punch something and have Taylor hug me all at the same time. Some moments I am fine. Life goes on... we found Lilly and Captain a new home. Since Cap is now not on the porch we decided that maybe adding a few happy decorations to the area would lift our spirits. We went to Big Lots and Kmart. Got flowers, a wind chime and seat cushions. I then found a cute little tikes swing set with a slide and a swing on craigslist. The people happened to live right around the corner and the price was right. I was really happy. Link only got to play on it for a bit. We will go out and spend some time on the patio tomorrow. :) It's nice to be able to hang out there. The tree in front of our place has gotten big enough to shade the area from the sun. I miss Captain but I am SO HAPPY that we found him a good home. That was our Memorial Day. Still in the back of my mind I keep thinking about the 7th. Lincoln's surgery. The biopsy. Either my baby has cancer or he doesn't. Either this will give us answers or it's back to the drawing board. I feel for the first time that it's out of my hands. I have pushed and pushed for these doctors to help. Now... they are doing what I have asked and it scares me to know what is going on in his little body. I pray that he doesn't have cancer. I pray that if he does he is able to fight it. I don't know what is ahead of us I just know that no matter what... we will get through this. He will be okay. I want to say that I know he doesn't have lymphoma. Everytime he turns his neck and I see those lumps in his neck it makes me wonder if maybe I am wrong. Makes me wonder if he does HOW... how could this happen? Is it what he is eating? Where we live? Our pets? Our detergent? Our house? Is it environmental? I can drive myself crazy trying to protect him but I don't know what to protect him from. At times I feel helpless and at other times I feel empowered. It's like a rollercoaster of normal and scared. I hate it. For the first time in so long things are so good. Taylor and I are good. Life is good and now this. Nothing in the world seems to matter as long as your kids aren't healthy. It's funny how just a few months ago I would want to shop or go to forever 21 and spend money on things that 'made me happy'. At this point the idea of shopping or clothes or shoes or makeup just doesn't seem to matter. Instead our money is being spent on food. Good food. Healthy food and I hope it's helping. I know it is. Maybe it is my imagination but I sorta feel judged. I don't think there is any way that anyone can possibly understand what I am feeling unless you have seen your child sick like this. The more you learn the more it tears you away from what is mainstream. Food... activities... birthday parties... it's amazing how EVERYTHING seems to revolve around food and a certain way of thinking... My normal isn't the same normal as everyone else's anymore. I am okay with that. I think it is time for me to find people who have the same normal as my family so my kids don't feel like hippy freaks. :) LOL but really... I understand why people homeschool. I get it... it's hard to see your 2nd grader come home from school with blue frosting all over his face while he is jumping all over the couch and can hardly talk to you because he is so hopped up on sugar. I really didn't give it much thought. I would think "SWEET! You got to eat fun food at school!" and now I am horrified thinking "HOW DID YOU GET THAT?!?' School policy says parents can't take sugary foods in! I know it's totally acceptable for the rest of the world to eat cupcakes and popsicles but if you had any idea what hoops i jump through to make sure my kids don't have that. I dunno... just what's on my mind right now. Thinking of starting a play group with families that have food allergies/sensitivities/intolerances. Just seems like the thing to do... Have people understand not only because they are family and love us but to meet people that understand because they are going through the same thing as my family. It's very easy to blow off all that we hear about food and blah blah blah about organic is better, gluten is bad, processed food is okay sometimes... until you or your kids are sick. Until you aren't sure if your toddler is going to be okay... until you are holding him at night and he is screaming in pain in your arms... until your newborn is pooping blood and then you know... it's time to start digging. It's time to start doing your own research for answers and not only learning everything you can about getting your family better but actually taking the initiative and DOING IT. For the first month I craved junk food and I missed my oreos, coffee and pasta. Now the idea of having it in my house really bothers me. Ignorance in this case isn't bliss... it's sick little kids. I'm going to fix it! But first... I need to clean the kitchen and get some sleep!